"This is the day the Lord hath made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

Wow, is it a beautiful day today. It started out a little rough--I showed up at Starbucks at 4:15 a.m. to work the opening shift (we open at 5:00 a.m. on weekdays). Well, the Shift Supervisor who was scheduled to work (and who has the keys to open the door) either forgot to set his alarm, forgot he was working, or some other brain-cramp-esque event, because he didn't show up. Eventually some phone calls were made and we opened up shop--all's well that ends well!

Normally when I work this morning shift, I'm exhausted and need a nap when I get home. But today the weather was so perfect, I had to go for a walk. We have a beautiful nature trail across the street from our complex--it runs between the parkway and the marshes and it's green and lush and full of birds and squirrels and chipmunks and dive-bombing bugs. I think they were moths--whatever they were they kept flying into my head and onto my glasses. And they are a marvel of God's creation and necessary for the balance of the ecosystem, I know--I just wish they'd pelt something else. But annoying winged-creatures aside, it was such a wonderful walk. I had my i-pod on, playing Kutlass & Casting Crowns as I hoofed it under a bright sun with a gentle breeze. It was truly glorious.

Even more wonderful was knowing that I had overcome my exercise-aversion yet again. I'm sure I'm not the only one who experiences this--the reluctance to change & put on sneakers and get going, yet as soon as I'm out and actually walking, I enjoy every minute of it. Darn you, my lazy, weak flesh--why must you resist something so good for us? Not only was it great to overcome my inertia, but as I was walking I realized how much faster I'm able to move now that I'm carrying 60 less pounds around with me everywhere. And it was a great time to reflect on my weight-loss journey so far. What a blessing to have reached this milestone, but it's not over yet. 80 pounds to go before I am done with my quest to cease being two people's worth of weight. Turns out, our bodies aren't designed to carry that much extra poundage without hurting. Whoda thunk? Sometimes I still can't believe I let it get so far--I was within spitting distance of 300 pounds. 300 POUNDS!! What was I thinking?

Well, I wasn't thinking--or more accurately, I chose not to think about it. The increase of my stature was gradual, and for years I was able to carry it and function without too much interruption, so I had little motivation to change. Little things would bother me--I would get frustrated when the dryer would shrink my clothes AGAIN (not that I was expanding, mind you--darn that dryer!). I would wish that the Skinny Fairy would visit me in the middle of the night and I'd wake up fit & trim, knowing full well that was impossible but wishing it could be that easy anyway. Because I always knew that my weight was due to my bad habits, but I wasn't willing to change them. And because the gain was so gradual, I could almost trick myself into thinking it wasn't really that bad. After all, it's not like I was hiding in a dark corner, eating Bon-Bons and accomplishing nothing with my life. I finished my Master's Degree, earned two teaching certifications, learned Sign Language, participated actively in my church's music & drama ministries, enjoyed success in my teaching career, grew as an organizer & planner of major events, was surrounded by loving friends and family, and finally met & married Uncle Brainy.

So as much as I didn't like being heavy, I was doing a pretty good job hauling my hulk around, ignoring and/or brushing off the little hurts and stings that came as a result of my weight. Did I like buying bigger clothes? No, but I've never been a clothes horse/fashion maven, so whatever. Did I like not being able to buckle my seat belt on the airplane? No, but how often do I fly? Did I like having to get off of an amusement park ride in front of EVERYONE because they couldn't fasten my safety harness? No, but how often do I go to amusement parks? I'll just avoid those rides when I do go. Did I like that when I rode in my parents' boat, they had to place everyone else in relation me to achieve the most effective weight distribution? No, but I only rode the boat in the summer and it didn't prevent me from going out, so I can deal with that. Did I like running out of breath whenever I had to climb a short set of stairs? No, but I would take the elevator or walk slowly and after all, it's not like I was ever very athletic so no big deal. Did I like having little children poke my belly and ask if a baby was in there and if not then why was it so fat? No, but they're little kids--they can't help being brutally honest in their innocence, and they're so cute and they love me anyway.

So God, in His infinite patience and wisdom, hit me where it would finally hurt badly enough for me to want to change. Because I've always known it's not enough to want to lose weight. I had to want to become a different person with different behaviors and with a different set of priorities. Until I reached that point, I knew I wouldn't be willing to do what was necessary. So He helped me reach that point. He took my mind away. The one tool/gift He had given me that I treasured most, which I had relied upon for most of my successes--GONE. Not completely, mind you. But my intellectual capacity was hindered enough to finally get my attention. I, the anal-retentive-color-coding-organizational-planning Queen became more and more disorganized and forgetful, and I became increasingly anxious about my new-found inability to keep things in order. Every task was coupled with incredible stress because I wanted to do a good job but it was becoming harder to do a good job but I must do a good job so I'll just work harder and worry more and write everything down and highlight my schedule and go through and organize everything so I can remember where I put it and why can't I remember her name and I started to say something but I can't find my thought to finish it and I feel so insecure and unsure and it must just be because I suck at teaching and directing and I can't do this and it feels like I'm on cold medicine all the time and WHO IS THIS PERSON LIVING IN MY BODY BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HER AND I DON'T LIKE HER. I became increasingly more depressed and tired--falling asleep at my computer at 2:30 in the afternoon and having no motivation to do much of anything but knowing I should so I push myself and I still act like who I've always been but I don't feel like I've always felt and the worst part is I have no idea why this is happening and I don't even know what questions to ask about what's wrong with me.

Those who know me know that asking for help is not my strong suit. But I finally mentioned my "memory loss" (forgetfulness is a better description, but remember--I wasn't fully functional at the time) at a doctor visit, and was told that it wasn't normal for someone my age and merited medical attention. So I met with my primary care physician to discuss my symptoms. From this meeting comes my all-time favorite Doctor Bingo-winning line: "There are many reasons for dementia--Depression, brain tumor, Bipolar Syndrome..." Yepper--4 scary words in one sentence. Give that man a prize. (Side note here--if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, DO NOT google "memory loss." Trust me on this one.) But, I did get a referral to a sleep clinic to test me for sleep apnea. Because if indeed I stopped breathing during the night and therefore had to wake up to start breathing again, the constant interruptions would rob me of my rest, creating a state of constant fatigue which would explain every last one of my symptoms. Sure enough, that's exactly what was wrong. I started using a CPAP machine last summer to keep me breathing during the night, and the results have been life-changing. I can think! I can remember and organize and time manage and plan and remember and organize and time manage again! Good thing, since those are all skills I would need to tackle 20 years of poor eating and exercise habits. All the former tools back in my shed, with the addition of the one I had lacked before--MOTIVATION. I'd heard the saying "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I didn't know that from experience yet, but I did know this: "Nothing tastes good enough to be stupid for!" Not quite as eloquent, but it's true.

Over the past 10 months it has been amazing to watch God work and bless and try and test me as I finally obey what I know He has been telling me to do for years. As time goes on, I'll blog about certain events & situations, but I'll end today's novel-post with the following thought: there are things God has for me to do that I cannot do if I continue to cart around twice as much weight as I'm designed to carry. I cannot tell you how good it feels to know that, with His help, I am finally being obedient and I will one day realize what those things are. I'll be sure to keep you posted...