It's the little things that count

And have you ever noticed that it's also the little things that throw you? Juliemom wrote about controlling how we respond to things--that in all situations our responses are to be God-honoring and sinless. And ironically, I've found that it's easier to do that when it's a really hard thing I'm facing--a big trial. When it's a little annoyance, however--watch out! I'll explain:

One of the medical conditions brought on by/exacerbated by my excess weight is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Side effects include sketchy/missing cycles, infertility, etc. Long before my diagnosis in 2002, I had experienced cycle-related abnormalities that made me wonder if was going to be able to have children. And I love children; I have ever since my brother, Soldier Bossy, was born when I was 7 years old. I thought he was the best thing ever, and since that time have found the greatest pleasure when in the company of little ones. Anyway, I remember thinking about the infertility possibility years ago and wondering what I would do if that turned out to be the case. I prayed, I cried, and I remember thinking: "OK, God--you know best and I will not argue. I may never even get married, but if I do and this is the situation, I will not say 'Why me?' but rather 'Why not me?' Other women deal with this all the time--who am I to think that I should be spared? You have promised me that all things work together for good for me, and I believe you. So whatever your plan is, so be it."

I was 23 when I had this conversation with God. Fast-forward to 34 years of age when I did indeed get pregnant. OK--I guess I'm not infertile! And then, about 8 weeks into the pregnancy, God decided that this Baby Bossy-Brainy would be His and His alone. The day the miscarriage occurred was a hard, hard day--but even so God's hand was clearly evident in the way things progressed. And I had my chance to respond the way I said I would years ago, and by God's grace I did. I did not say "Why me?" but rather "Why not me?" As I discovered after it happened, SO MANY women have had miscarriages. Who am I to think that I am so special that I should be spared? God is good always and in everything, both when I am happy and when I am hurting. It's been about 5 months now, and most days I don't think about it anymore. Every now and then it smacks me upside the head--Mother's Day caught me by surprise and that was a hard day. Do I count as a mother? Yes, but not really? Ugh. But God's grace has been plentiful; He has allowed me to continue on my wellness journey, and through this experience has brought me into greater fellowship with Himself and some wonderful people.

So, Aunt Bossy takes heartache head-on and comes out praising God--she's got it all figured out, right?

Uh, sure. Until I get in the car or I'm in a cleaning frenzy around the house. Then the same woman who says "Why not me, Lord?" is now talking to other drivers/her husband:

"HELLO! You have a turn signal for a reason! You know--that stick on the side of your steering wheel? Use it!"
"GET OFF MY BUMPER! I'm already going 5 mph over the speed limit, now get out of my backseat!"
"We have a hamper for a reason--your dirty socks DO NOT belong on the living room/office floor! Sheesh!"
"WHAT? How could we have missed the turn WHILE USING THE GPS!?! Are you kidding me?" (This actually happened.) (Yeah, I know.)

And how do these things rate when compared to losing a baby? They don't--not even close. But it is these types of little annoyances that bring out the snippy, snarky, & critical part of me that isn't nice to be around. I know I'm not alone in this dichotomy of response--is it because we brace ourselves and prepare for the "big ones," but allow the little things to creep in under the radar to jab and sting and distract? Interesting that the Bible talks about Satan using "fiery darts." Darts are little; they can whiz in unnoticed until we're stung and reacting accordingly. Snarling over little things, letting a bum traffic experience ruin our day. God help me to guard myself against those fiery darts. If I am filled with the Spirit and words of Christ, who is the Living Water, those darts will be quenched before they can do any damage.

Thanks for the reminder, Juliemom.